angry at God

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angry at God

Where are You, God? Where is Your love?

I believe these are questions that came very close to my heart as I was reading Psalm 89.

I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with every little thing, with every person, even with the people I love most.

My grandpa passed away. Then I received the news that my aunt has cancer. And my mom continues to have difficult days as she battles Parkinson’s. Every week, I go over to their house to help out and cook for my mom.

One day, while I was there, my mom saw all of us together and wanted to do something out of the love in her heart—something she has always done to show us that she loves us: cook.

She tried to cut the vegetables, but eventually asked me for help. I cut everything for her, and when I looked over, I saw her sitting at the table, sad and disappointed. She couldn’t cook for us the way she always had.

Seeing her like that broke something inside of me. Later, I went home frustrated, asking God why He would allow the people I love most to go through these things.

Last week, I realized that I had been burying all of my frustrations, sadness, anger, and rage instead of bringing them to Jesus. I had been sweeping them under the rug, and it was keeping me from genuinely loving people. I had become cold and frustrated.

Then, on Tuesday night, I had an encounter with God that allowed me to finally see what was happening inside of me. I asked God to help me. I asked Him to forgive me.

I realized that all of my frustration had slowly turned into anger—even hatred—toward God. I didn’t understand how I had gotten there.

But through all of it, I finally let myself cry. I gave Jesus all the weight I had been carrying, and He met me there. He healed my heart and gave me a new heart again.

I felt cleansed and filled with love again—for the people I love most, for the people I serve alongside, but most importantly, for Jesus.

I have an electric scooter that I use to get around the city and save money on gas. That night, I had been out when I found myself in this encounter with God. After experiencing the fullness of His love again and being overcome by a peace that surpasses understanding, I knew it was time to come home.

Yes, metaphorically—but also physically.

I began walking back to where I thought I had left my scooter.

“Where did I leave it?” I gasped.

I retraced my steps, but I was certain I had left it right there where I was standing.

Then I realized it had been stolen.

The Marco from Monday would have found another reason to be angry with God. Another reason to ask why He would allow me to suffer through one more thing.

But it was Tuesday.

And Jesus had filled me with love and peace again.

I smiled and simply said, “Thank You for keeping me safe, Jesus.”

I knew that the enemy wanted to steal my joy that night. He wanted me to go home discouraged. He wanted me to fall back into the anger and frustration I had been carrying.

But he didn’t win that night.

Jesus won.

I was full of joy.

The next day, Wednesday, I had planned to visit a friend’s aunt who, coincidentally, has the same type of cancer as my aunt. My friend and I traveled an hour and a half across the city to see her.

When I walked into the living room, I saw pictures of their family displayed on the walls.

“Wow, what a beautiful family,” I said.

My friend looked at me and said, “You’ll see how she is now.”

We walked into the room where she was.

When I saw her, I immediately prayed, “Lord, please help me.”

Many of you have probably seen movies about World War II and the extermination camps. I had seen images of people who were extremely frail and weak, but I had never experienced anything like that in person.

She was a very small and frail woman.

I was in shock.

It’s one thing to see suffering through a screen, from far away. It’s another thing to sit right next to someone who is suffering like that.

I sat down with her and shared everything that had been happening in my heart. I told her that I didn’t understand why God allows certain tragedies to happen. I told her how all of this had slowly built anger, resentment, and sadness inside of me.

But I also told her what had happened the night before. I told her how I had found myself with Jesus, how I had finally given Him all the weight I had been carrying, and how, in return, He had filled me with a peace that seemed to reach every corner of my heart.

She began to cry.

She told me she was afraid for her children. She has four kids, and her youngest is only 16.

After we shared with each other for a while, I got down beside her and held her small hands. We prayed together.

Internally, I prayed, “God, please help me.”

The smell in the room was difficult to bear. It was hard for them to keep the place clean because of the circumstances they were living in. But Jesus helped me, and we prayed.

I asked her to pray for my aunt, who is facing the same cancer.

And somehow, in the middle of all the pain and tragedy she was experiencing, I saw something beautiful: a smile that reflected the peace that only God can give.

Right after that, I drove back to the other side of the city to visit Joaquín, who is part of our youth group. His mom had just suffered a stroke that week.

That afternoon, I began to understand why God had allowed me to walk through some of these things.

As I shared with Joaquín what had been happening in my heart, he immediately opened up and told me that his own heart had become cold as he watched his mom go through something so difficult.

He even told me that his mom had said to him, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I forgive you.”

He realized that he had become heartless toward the people he loved most, including his own mom.

We talked for hours about how difficult it is to face suffering.

Sometimes we think we are strong because we don’t cry. We think we are strong when we simply keep going and act as if nothing is happening.

But when we finally stop and look at what is really happening inside of us, we realize how fragile and broken we truly are.

We need Jesus.

We need Him to carry us through the things we cannot carry on our own.

That day, overcome with peace and love, I began to understand something: Jesus truly has beauty planned for us beyond the suffering we may face.

Today, I am able to care for my mother, take my aunt to the hospital for her scans and tests, and continue serving and loving the people of this city.

And now, even with one less electric scooter, I understand that God can and will use all of this for His glory and His beauty.

I have a story to share.

Next week, I am traveling with a team to Cajamarca to do exactly that—to share Jesus with this world. We will be serving churches and doing outreaches throughout the city. I’m especially excited to be cooking and leading worship while we’re there!

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this and for praying for me.

A wheelchair outreach at a nursing home. Sharing with these two men of Jesus, both in their 90s.

I would ask you to continue praying for me and, if God puts it on your heart, to consider partnering with me in what Jesus is doing here in Peru and throughout South America.

I am still in need of financial support and have not yet reached my monthly goal of $2,000.

If you aren’t able to support me financially, one of the greatest ways you can help is simply by sharing this with others. It makes a huge difference.

Thank you for standing with me, praying for me, and being part of what God is doing here.

Jesus wins.

Prayer requests:

• Cajamarca missions trip; that God use each and everyone of our stories

• Provision for me to continue to record songs

• Monthly financial support ($2,000)

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I’d love for you to pray about joining my support team with a monthly or one-time gift to help share the Gospel in South America. Regardless of the amount, I value our relationship above all else and trust that God will provide exactly what is needed.

Please make sure you select “Fund” and “Marco van der Kodde”
If you’d like to send through venmo: @beingasapizza
Thank you for your prayers, love, and support!